It Depends If They’re Set in Sand or Cement
“That’s weird,” you say, but concentrate on thinking of your boundaries as tools. Boundaries as tool can be useful set in Sand or Cement. Follow here to jump-start their awesome power.
We’re using a romantic relationship as an example, but any relationship needing boundaries will improve with these techniques.
Used as a tool, a BOUNDARY IN SAND can result in progress. Like delaying sexual intercourse until your boyfriend gives you an engagement ring. This tactic allows you to retain a balance in your own self-image. It also provides your boyfriend with a goal and ultimately, he gets what he wants. He’ll consider you more valuable and worthwhile as a woman and a wife. Since you chose him, you know he’s astute, but the power can be yours.
Whatever the issue or target-person, start with an explanation that comes from your heart: let him know how desirable he is to you, how much you love his touch, how his kisses are yummy, how perfect it is to be with him. Ask him if he understands. If he says yes, draw your line in the sand. You’ve got his agreement. Tell him how happy he’s made you. And not just once. Follow-up is important. Continue to compliment your boyfriend on his understanding. He will soon believe in his own wisdom. And you won’t feel guilty about saying, “No.”
These are rigid boundaries. They may be deal-breakers, so take your priorities seriously and from the target-person’s point of view too.
Of course, you won’t start a relationship with boundaries in cement. You’ve got to really get to know your guy. For instance, you both drink alcohol. You are moderate, but he goes overboard. Problem?? Wait ’til you experience it twice in a spat.
Choose a time when you’re both having fun. . .maybe at an event that includes alcohol. After you notice him on his third drink (you’ve only had one or two), tell him you’re feeling uncomfortable.
You may even say you’re woozy. From your heart, tell him the concerns you have for your well-being as a couple… driving home. . .bad headaches. Suggest you switch from drinking to eating (serve him a plate!). You might ask him to dance. Spot some friends, take BF by the hand and go meet them.
Any of these suggestions will result in interrupting the process of being over-served. When the evening’s finished, gush about the fun you had.
Rinse and repeat. It may be necessary to approach the subject a couple of times. Remind him how important moderation is to you and how important HE is to you.
If you don’t notice a voluntary change in his habits, plan to have THE TALK. Be sure to touch him during the conversation. Listen to him closely. Keep a smile going! Tell him three drinks (or whatever) must be his limit and that’s a boundary set in cement.
In the long-view, boundaries are the lines between where I end, and you begin. Healthy boundaries define who we are in relation to others.
They also help us to know what the extents and limits are with others. Personal boundaries are how we teach people who we are and how we would like to be handled in relationships. Boundaries help you to say, “This is who I am.”
Try it. First list your most important boundaries. Divide them into Sand or Cement categories. The consistent practice of this sorting will light on-going success with any boundary that’s truly important to you. It’s easy to use with adult children and older parents. Good to share too.